The Chef Boyardee Tale
There's a woman who often comes into my library. It's well known by our staff and police officers that she has schizophrenia. It's not unusual for any of our branches to see a lot of patrons that have mental problems or disabilities. We usually avoid the patrons that we know have problems. We check their items out and such but if they say something off color to us we usually brush it off and nod. Most of the time you wouldn't suspect that our patrons have problems, except for Ms. Chef Boyardee* (I'll get to the origin of her name in a moment first let me give you some back story).
Ms. Chef Boyardee has been a regular patron for both the library and the cops who work with us. Apparently her schizophrenia is so unpredictable and problematic that the police can't believe her accusations anymore. Boyardee stories are somewhat legendary and involve a lot of TMI conversations. Our staff has gotten to know her over the past couple years and she has never managed to be discreet or appropriate. My boss Andy* has heard stories ranging from her finding out that she doesn't have AIDS (Instead it was Gonorrhea), to finding out about her menstrual cycle, and finding out her late night "horizontal plans". Again, most people with mental impairments aren't like this at our library or perhaps in general, but Boyardee is a new kind of interesting.
I have personally heard a story from her about her mom dying from a bad crack overdose. I was still new from the "Nice, but Somewhat Stuck Up" branch so I was still in suburbia mode and not prepared to adjust to" Slumming it" mode. Boyardee kept talking, and I became more and more traumatized and awkward. Eventually I heard the phone ring and went to pick it up because Boyardee had been talking to me non-stop for 5 minutes about her mom's unreliable crack dealer. I didn't get to the phone on time, my boss Andy had answered it in the back.... but Boyardee didn't know that. I hesitantly spoke into the receiver and did the usual, "This is Slumming It Library how may I help you?". I proceeded to fake a phone call while Boyardee gave up talking to me then giggled to herself before leaving the building.
Recently, Boyardee had come in (this is how she got her name) to pick up some items. Boyardee had previously talked to my boss, Andy, about the ghost of Chef Boyardee haunting her. It wasn't too long of a conversation. It left Andy trying not to laugh, and Boyardee giggling and talking to herself as usual.
Boyardee is actually, a really nice patron. Boyardee never really yells at us, or causes major problems (Except she can make us feel quite uncomfortable). But she does tend to scare other patrons by singing loudly or persistently talk about how she's filing for bankruptcy. Boyardee was talking to me about her finances when a patron walked up to the desk to return items. I graciously took the patron's presence as a distraction and asked them how their day was and began other small talk. Boyardee watched in anticipation. I had recently had a new haircut and the patron noticed and complimented me on it.
Boyardee: The chef is haunting me you know!?!
Me: Uh.... yeah, I heard.
Boyardee: He appears when I'm cooking.
Me: Oh, he does?
Boyardee: Yeah, and that lady was wrong.
Me: Wrong?
Boyardee: I don't like your haircut. You need extensions girl. The Chef don't like it. Men loovvvee that long hair girl. (She said this with a smile)
Me: Right.... Right.
Boyardee leaves the building laughing.
Patron: What just happened?
Obviously, I can't take Boyardee seriously. I mean a patron has called me orphan Annie before, but I try to take that as they're bitches.... I can't really take a backhanded compliment from Boyardee. She means well.
Sincerely,
Your Non-Stereotypical Librarian
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