Chef Boyardee Has an Opinion Too

Honestly, I wish I could give you more stories that don't involve men being creepy... but that's half my material. Also, the title of my blog talks about sexuality or the lack there of that wanders into the library. If I didn't write about creepers, I'd be missing the point of my blog. However, today, I will post a female patron story. Enjoy :)




The Chef Boyardee Tale
There's a woman who often comes into my library. It's well known by our staff and police officers that she has schizophrenia. It's not unusual for any of our branches to see a lot of patrons that have mental problems or disabilities. We usually avoid the patrons that we know have problems. We check their items out and such but if they say something off color to us we usually brush it off and nod. Most of the time you wouldn't suspect that our patrons have problems, except for Ms. Chef Boyardee* (I'll get to the origin of her name in a moment first let me give you some back story).

Ms. Chef Boyardee has been a regular patron for both the library and the cops who work with us. Apparently her schizophrenia is so unpredictable and problematic that the police can't believe her accusations anymore. Boyardee stories are somewhat legendary and involve a lot of TMI conversations. Our staff has gotten to know her over the past couple years and she has never managed to be discreet or appropriate. My boss Andy* has heard stories ranging from her finding out that she doesn't have AIDS (Instead it was Gonorrhea), to finding out about her menstrual cycle, and finding out her late night "horizontal plans". Again, most people with mental impairments aren't like this at our library or perhaps in general, but Boyardee is a new kind of interesting.

I have personally heard a story from her about her mom dying from a bad crack overdose. I was still new from the "Nice, but Somewhat Stuck Up" branch so I was still in suburbia mode and not prepared to adjust to" Slumming it" mode. Boyardee kept talking, and I became more and more traumatized and awkward. Eventually I heard the phone ring and went to pick it up because Boyardee had been talking to me non-stop for 5 minutes about her mom's unreliable crack dealer. I didn't get to the phone on time, my boss Andy had answered it in the back.... but Boyardee didn't know that. I hesitantly spoke into the receiver and did the usual, "This is Slumming It Library how may I help you?". I proceeded to fake a phone call while Boyardee gave up talking to me then giggled to herself before leaving the building.

Recently, Boyardee had come in (this is how she got her name) to pick up some items. Boyardee had previously talked to my boss, Andy, about the ghost of Chef Boyardee haunting her. It wasn't too long of a conversation. It left Andy trying not to laugh, and Boyardee giggling and talking to herself as usual.

Boyardee is actually, a really nice patron. Boyardee never really yells at us, or causes major problems (Except she can make us feel quite uncomfortable). But she does tend to scare other patrons by singing loudly or persistently talk about how she's filing for bankruptcy. Boyardee was talking to me about her finances when a patron walked up to the desk to return items. I graciously took the patron's presence as a distraction and asked them how their day was and began other small talk. Boyardee watched in anticipation. I had recently had a new haircut and the patron noticed and complimented me on it.

Boyardee: The chef is haunting me you know!?!

Me: Uh.... yeah, I heard.

Boyardee: He appears when I'm cooking.

Me: Oh, he does?

Boyardee: Yeah, and that lady was wrong.

Me: Wrong?

Boyardee: I don't like your haircut. You need extensions girl. The Chef don't like it. Men loovvvee that long hair girl. (She said this with a smile)

Me: Right.... Right.

Boyardee leaves the building laughing.

Patron: What just happened?
Obviously, I can't take Boyardee seriously. I mean a patron has called me orphan Annie before, but I try to take that as they're bitches.... I can't really take a backhanded compliment from Boyardee. She means well.

Sincerely,
Your Non-Stereotypical Librarian

The Week of Drama

Monday started off just fine. Tuesday was when the patrons started to go haywire. I was going to do a Cure rendition of Friday I'm in Love.... but that would just make this entry weirder then it needs to be.

The Patron Drama Tale

I wasn't there but my co-worker, Sabrina, retold the story to the point where I almost wish I was there to see the standoff myself.

This story honestly reminds me of the Jerry Springer Ain't Got Nothing on Me blog entry. There were a group of patrons, lets call them the Banshees, that were making a ton of noise. Usually patrons might make noise, and everybody mainly ignores them. This time however, the Banshees were so loud that the majority of the library patrons were staring at the gaggle as they exited the building. Eddie, our teen librarian, has to deal with a lot of crap. She's the only one who handles all of our teen programs and is unable to hire an assistant. Also, as females (not saying males don't get it too but being a woman in a public place I feel like we get a lot of unwanted attention) we handle a lot of creepers that like to yell at us or sexually harass us. If it wasn't a daily struggle, I think we'd handle it a lot better, but really what I write in this blog is only the half the weird and annoying interactions from patrons.

Eddie and the rest of the library patrons/staff were glad to see the Banshees go. When they came back a half an hour later Eddie had had enough of it. As soon as the Banshees entered the library doors, Eddie motioned for them to leave. Naturally, the Banshees were pissed off. So of course they screeched and pitched a fit. Eddie wasn't having it though.

"It's because I'm black, isn't it!" Said one of the Banshees.

"Yeah, and I'm white!" Said Eddie quite indignantly as the patrons/employees stared in shock.

Needless to say, it was a show down of all sorts and a touchy subject to say the least.

On Wednesday somebody broke our window. I was there, but I didn't hear anything despite being across from the computer lab, where the window was broken. Apparently, one of our patrons became irritated at a reference librarian named Nadine. Nadine wouldn't allow the patron to have another computer session because he had already had three sessions (each session is an hour). We're not sure if the patron, we'll call him Stoner (because he probably is one due to his Jail Tracker record and well... just read on), was mad at the woman in the lab who had previously kicked him out of their church for smoking in the building, or if he was mad at Nadine. Either way, Stoner threw a rock at our window and now there's quite a hole there. Stoner committed his crime towards the end of the night so there wasn't much time for repairs, for now we have a wooden plank for a window.

Yesterday was a weird day. Within a span of an hour we had a kid that was caught stealing library materials. Wilson was probably the best cop for the job since he doesn't put up with any b.s. what so ever. The kid by the end of the night was wishing he never stepped foot in our library by the time Wilson talked to him. Wilson has a great knack for talking to patrons and making them feel completely stupid without saying anything truly mean or particularly condescending.

Seconds later, (mind you this is all a replay from my co-workers) Turtle Lady walks in. Turtle Lady is her own breed of perverseness and crazy. Turtle Girl received her name due to a stuffed turtle that she carries around and happens to fondle. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. Andy, my assistant manager, happened to talk to Turtle Lady one day as she gave her stuffed turtle a happy little pat in a very suggestive way. I could go on about the fondling, but honestly it's not worth the nightmares (only slightly kidding).

Turtle Lady was mad because we won't let her and her turtle to go into the kid section. Turtle Lady proceeded to freak out and demand her CDs back.... We didn't have any CDs to check out to her. She reminds me a lot of Baby Lady. Baby Lady has a problem with herself. She likes to yell obscenities, talk and giggle to herself, and apparently leaves her children at home a lot. It worries us, as it should worry people. We're pretty sure Baby Lady has schizophrenia. Or possibly something else. I have picked up the phone at work pretending to talk to a patron, in order to avoid her. Otherwise I hear stories about how she apparently doesn't have gonorrhea and her mom died because of a bad crack overdose.

I almost feel like saying, "These are the days of our lives". It's a weird librarian life we lead. Is it weird that I love to live it?

P.S. How weird is this novel? It reminded me of why I write this blog in the first place.

Sincerely,

Your Non-Stereotypical Librarian